When I Stopped Waiting for an Apology, I Could Finally Let it Go

Moving past people who hurt me was a challenging, but liberating, act of self-kindness

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Have you ever had someone come over, months or years later, to apologize for something they did?

That has happened to me a few times. I'm grateful for these moments, and I truly thank the ones who did that, since we all know it's not always easy to let our guard down and be vulnerable by admitting our own mistakes.

Those apologies have usually brought me a sense of relief. Seeing that they cared and telling them right back that I forgave them was key to building more genuine connections with these people. In some cases, this also led to a reignition of once-lost friendships.

But today, I'd like to talk about another important lesson life has been teaching me: when someone who hurt you has never apologized, and you have to handle it anyway, despite the sorrow and rage.

A few years ago, I was deeply disappointed by a group of colleagues whom I once thought could become my friends.

Getting into such details is not the goal of this post, so I'll be brief. Speaking in plain terms, they "backstabbed" me. They planned together the ways they could impair my tasks — never involving me in any of these discussions, of course, as I was always the last to know about everything concerning my own job. I felt totally voiceless — because, well, that was the goal.

Long story short, I decided to quit, and the lesson was learned the hard way: I trusted and gave my best to people who didn't deserve my good intentions or expectations. I was very naive, I recognize that.

Then, in the following months, the realization and mourning phase came. I cut contacts, I blocked social media accounts, I felt anger. I wanted to speak out loud and let other people know what they did to me.

But there were moments, I confess, when I still hoped they would eventually reach out, only to tell me how sorry they were. And I imagined myself replying and telling them that, yes, I forgave them.

Then, years later...

Well, not the plot twist you could imagine: none of these people has reached out to this day. But after months of piling up hopes that the opposite could happen, there finally came the day when I realized that I should no longer wait for any apologies.

I had to move on, regardless of whether they were eventually sorry or not.

Holding onto something out of my control, expecting they would also feel bad because of how hurt I was, or hoping they would regret having lost me: I understood that it wasn't fair to keep doing this to myself.

I had to move on, regardless of whether they were eventually sorry or not.

Simply because I don't need any precedent to justify the decisions I make for my own good.

What I mean is, I don't need any further explanation to move on from what (and who) didn't serve me. And in the same way, I don't need an apology to forgive.

One thing is not dependent on the other. The only thing I can act on is my life, my own feelings, and my decisions. And I just couldn't let the expectancy towards someone else keep me from moving forward.

When I understood this, I could finally let it go.

I feel this is one of the most honest decisions people can ever make for themselves when wondering how to let go of someone or something. Not for (or because of) others; it's just for (and because of) ourselves.

And we know that, somehow, this is everything.

Love,

Ana Clara.